He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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