I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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