We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
