the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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