she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
