Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
