his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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