Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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