Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
