my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
