I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
