I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Randomize
