what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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