what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
