Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
