My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
