words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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