It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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