I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
