i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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