my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
