I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
