Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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