I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Mom said you looked used
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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