I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
