I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
if i can run in heels then i can drive
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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