I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
