would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Randomize
