You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
