Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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