i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Randomize
