we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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