I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
