I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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