why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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