I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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