aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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