Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
tequila makes me forget i have legs
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize