my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
