Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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