I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
