She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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