I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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