Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
