I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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