Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Terrible idea I love it
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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