i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
