I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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