how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize