This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
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