If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
