If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
