He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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