how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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