I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
