so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
