last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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