I got her a Nickelback box set.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
