please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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