I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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