recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
