plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Randomize
