eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
