I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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