I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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