I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
