Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
