the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
