Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
