i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
