I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
